It was Ben.
Ben was lying underneath Brenda’s crib, gripping one of the bars.
I slipped out of bed and walked toward the nursery.
The hallway was dark.
The nursery door was partly open.
Ben was lying underneath Brenda’s crib, gripping one of the bars.
His eyes were open.
Then he said something that made my entire body go cold.
He whispered, “I won’t fall asleep this time.”
I stopped moving.
Then he said something that made my entire body go cold.
“I won’t let Grandma do it again.”
“Ben?”
His face had gone pale.
He jumped so hard he hit his shoulder against the crib.
I rushed inside.
“Hey. It’s okay.”
His face had gone pale.
“What did you mean?”
He looked toward the hallway.
“Nothing.”
“You said Grandma.”
He looked toward the hallway.
“Ben, what does Grandma do?”
His eyes filled with tears.
My hands started shaking.
“I promised.”
“Promised what?”
“Not to tell you.”
My hands started shaking.
I sat on the floor.
He started crying.
“Who asked you to promise?”
“Grandma.”
“Why?”
He started crying.
I reached for him.
For a second, I almost felt relieved.
“Baby, you’re not in trouble.”
His voice came out tiny.
“She wakes Brenda up.”
For a second, I almost felt relieved.
“What?”
He told me Diane sometimes came into the nursery after we were asleep.
“Grandma wakes her up at night.”
I didn’t understand.
“Maybe Brenda cries and Grandma checks on her.”
Ben shook his head hard.
“No. Brenda is sleeping.”
He told me Diane sometimes came into the nursery after we were asleep.
If Brenda started settling again, Diane kept disturbing her until she cried.
She picked Brenda up.
Unwrapped her.
Turned on the bright lamp.
Touched her feet and cheeks until she woke.
If Brenda started settling again, Diane kept disturbing her until she cried.
Three nights earlier, Diane had brought Brenda into our room around three.
Then Diane carried her into our room.
“She says Brenda woke up by herself,” Ben whispered.
I remembered.
Three nights earlier, Diane had brought Brenda into our room around three.
“She’s unsettled again,” she’d said.
Before that, another night.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Then another.
I looked at Ben.
“How many times?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I asked her why she kept waking Brenda.”
His chin trembled.
“I tried to make her stop.”
My stomach tightened.
“What happened?”
Ben wiped his face.
“She said you and Dad need to understand what your life is going to be like.”
“I asked her why she kept waking Brenda.”
“What did Grandma say?”
He stared at the carpet.
“She said you and Dad need to understand what your life is going to be like.”
I felt sick.
He kept rubbing one thumb over the dinosaur on his pajama sleeve, refusing to look toward the nursery door again.
“Anything else?”
“She said I was too little to understand. Then she told me not to upset you because you were already tired.”
He kept rubbing one thumb over the dinosaur on his pajama sleeve, refusing to look toward the nursery door again.
Then I understood what he’d meant about falling asleep.
The first night Ben tried to guard Brenda, Diane saw him awake beneath the crib and left.
So every night after that, he came back and tried to stay awake.
Another night, he tried again.
He fell asleep.
When he woke, Diane was already carrying Brenda toward our bedroom.
So every night after that, he came back and tried to stay awake.
My seven-year-old had been losing sleep because he thought he was the only person protecting his sister.
I woke Daniel.
Daniel sat beside me while Ben stayed upstairs.
Then I woke Diane.
I didn’t scream.
Not at first.
I told her to come downstairs.
Daniel sat beside me while Ben stayed upstairs.
“Have you been deliberately waking Brenda?”
I asked one question.
